Monthly Archives: May 2014

Now What? For Families Like Us – A Work In Progress

Now (May 2014)

I closed my family court case out in January 2014 (by mutual agreement w/ex after HE lost custody last Fall by the very court professionals he hired who took them nearly three years ago from me, their mother, protective parent, and the loving, happy, happy, safe, criminal-free home I provided them).  I had no choice but to negotiate a mutual agreement with the ex because by that time, his “paid” professionals could no longer cover for him and his neglectful, negligent, abusive parenting, and I could not be considered as a fit alternative for custody once again because I owed guardian ad litem fees and face the very real possibility of jail for those unpaid fees.  All this after nearly 10 yrs of my ex-husband’s abuse-by-proxy using the court system to beat and wear me down.

Although I have now freed my family of the appointed psychologist, who did nothing for my children and was on the county payroll for her “accounting services”, and, the guardian ad litem  who performed NO sort of legal investigation or checking into the safety, welfare, and best interest of my children in the 2 years of her appointments  AND the same guardian ad litem who kept me on restricted visits w/children 200 miles away from home, keeping me in a constant stranglehold with threats of incarceration for the matter of her unpaid gal fees the entire time.

In addition to the emotional and physical shock and horror, I was devastated financially, forced to live as an invisible, non-person due to the courts and these appointed “professionals”. I now find myself in the heartbreaking position of finally being visible as a mother to my youngest, able now, legally, to get my last child, my youngest, back in my care & custody (I’ve lost 2 other children to PAS with no assistance or intervention on the part of the courts or the appointed professionals), but am now facing the daunting challenge of re-building a semi-normal life, struggling mightily to regain footing financially, recupe home and rebuild my freelance title/legal research business before I can actually reclaim my daughter.

I truly wonder how many other similar, sick, sad stories are out there?

Bobbie (Still Here, and Still A Mississippi Mother)

 

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How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

Should be required reading for all professionals, educators, etc. in addition to ALL parents as well. There is so much ignorance, unnecessary suffering associated with this.

Children First Blog

Narcissists often use children as pawns during and after divorce. Learn to identify this emotional abuse of children caught in the middle.
The emotional abuse by a narcissist is pervasive and insidious. It impacts not only the narcissist’s spouse but his or her children as well. Once divorce proceedings begin, the narcissist’s abuse will likely escalate. Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or to make themselves look better. Children become perfect pawns for narcissistic parents to use against their spouses. Identifying how narcissistic parents abuse their children is the first step to devising strategies to minimize abuse and help children cope.

Using Children as Pawns in Divorce

Narcissistic parents will often seek custody of children during a divorce even if previously they were not involved parents. It’s important to them to appear to be the better parent. Also, if they…

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Daily update for my Boys 27 May 2014

🙂 thank you for these inspirational writings, words and pics, they bring much needed lift

The Story of my Twin Boys Oliver and Oscar Ferreira

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Hello Little Men!

Hope you muppets are doing very well….

I got some emails from Lancaster and Preston Court to confirm that tomorrow’s hearing is now definitely off until we receive direction from Judge Rawkins , the Court also confirmed that they received my open letter to Judge Rawkins and all the attachments and have passed these to him , so it seems now we wait and see how he wants to handle our case going forward. I will keep you post if I get any news in this regard 🙂

I had dinner with Ouma and Oupa tonight , they both send all their love and big cyber cuddles for you , O and I had some of your birthday cake ! I think you monkeys would have loved it , it is chocolate , very , very nice….

Had a fair bit of work stuff to sort today…

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Deny, Attack, Reversing Victim and Offender (DARVO) in the Personality Disordered

Ostara gets a divorce

“I need to fax you the affidavit Ex filed, it is 66 pages long, and you need to respond ASAP” the para-legal told me over the phone.

Photo by Özge Gürer Photo by Özge Gürer

I went to a neighbor’s house and read the fax as it was coming in.

Line after line were false allegations. Accusations that had nothing to do with the truth, but everything with what Ex was doing himself. I was shocked. Surely he didn’t believe himself what he was accusing me of?

It was so bizarre, this couldn’t really be happening. The first 4 weeks after I was served with the divorce papers Ex filed numerous affidavits, over 130 pages in total; all unsubstantiated allegations, without supporting documents.

I was bewildered, how could somebody whom I thought loved me at least at one point, whom I had shared a life with, whom I had children with, could come out…

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That’s What Mama’s Do …. (Excerpt, Writing For My Life, June 2013)

FAMILY COURT NIGHTMARE – I grew up and into what I realize now was the calling and purpose of my life.  I am a life-long southerner. I am sober-minded and law abiding and extremely loyal and proud of my Mississippi heritage and hometown.  I have been a native “Coastonian” since 2005 (B.K. i.e. Before Katrina).  I am a well-read,intelligent woman yet it took me over a year to fully absorb, accept, and define exactly what family court nightmares are.  I am as expert on the matter as anyone south of the Mason-Dixon and that thought horrifies me.  I wish to share this horror with others not to degrade our State or tear down ….  I wish only to build up what is broken.  First I must draw a line and paint a picture because it doesn’t appear broken at first glance or second look.

I wish to share this in order to see my children be noticed and freed from the invisible glass barrier that has separated them from the world.  I will continue to pester, persist, write, call, mail, file, cry, and scream any words I can until I get them noticed and recognized.  I have to.  I am their mother, I am proud of them, I cannot help them myself as I too am invisible.  I have been rendered useless so far.  But, I am still breathing.  And I can pester, persist, write, call, mail, file, cry, and scream.  That’s what Mississippi Mama’s do.

Please let me know if you would like to know more about my children and more about Mississippi’s children in need of justice.

(Excerpt, Writing For My Life, June 2013)

 

How We Got From There to Here (And Where We Go From Here?) – Writing For My Life (April 2013)

2013 – How We Got From There to Here (And Where We Go From Here?):

 

April 2013 –

This month was a turning point in our cause as it was the beginning of what I called being “noticed”, where I was successful in communicating, “volleying” I called it, by email w/guardian ad litem, for the first time in the year and a half since this gal’s appointment and her recommendation to the court to remove my children from my custody and place them in the full-time care and custody of my ex-husband in November 2011.   My ex-husband had never been the primary caregiver for our children and had a criminal record, continued to abuse drugs, and had irrefutable, questionable moral and ethical issues that continued to be detrimental to all of our children.

My youngest child, my daughter, who was 12 years old by this time in April 2013, was continuing to show signs of great distress, mentally, emotionally, and physically, her schoolwork and behavior continued to be a cause for alarm and was documented by teachers, and I notified the court appointed psychologist of this, as well as my ex-husband’s behavior toward my daughter which was increasingly threatening and abusive.  He imposed extreme isolation upon her, monitoring all of her activities and phone use and/or had her older brother assist in monitoring and withholding her outside contact, as well as utilizing other relatives as well.  The turning point for me came when my daughter related to her psychologist the details of her father threatening to kill the family pet, my daughter’s only comfort in the home, which was a cat she’d been caring for since she went to live with her father in November 2011.  I persisted in my attempts to communicate regarding these events to the guardian ad litem as well as the court appointed psychologist.  Up until this time I was not included in meetings/sessions regarding the children, having been banned by my ex-husband at the time he obtained custody of our children.   I finally received a response from the court appointed guardian ad litem and began to relay more details, and accurate information she appeared to be lacking in, and documented how my ex-husband had recently frightened my daughter in his re-telling of killing a previous family pet, my dog, by shooting it in the head after our separation and divorce.  These details were traumatizing to my daughter and her father laughed about these events.

This month was crucial in that with these details and my newfound attempts to communicate with teachers, the court appointed psychologist, and, the guardian ad litem, I at least began to engage the guardian ad litem in communications with me.  I also brought to everyone’s attention the facts regarding my ex-husband’s continued drug use.  The children had photos, and sent them to friends, of a bong that was sitting in plain sight on the patio at my ex-husband’s home, and photos and videos of other disturbing sights and sounds occurring in their father’s home.

Many incidents had occurred up until this point re: the disturbing events occurring at my ex-husband’s home, his behaviors that were not in the best interest of the children, the lack of parental supervision at my ex-husband’s home, underage drinking, suspected drug use, teen parties that were allowed in the home unsupervised, and other matters that were no longer going completely unnoticed by professionals, neighbors, other parents, etc. who were around my children while they were in their father’s care.

At this time I still continued to remain under limited, restricted visitation with my youngest child only, my son who was not yet 15 years old at the time having ceased visiting and/or communicating with me totally nearly a year prior, in May 2012, with no assistance or intervention on the part of the court professionals.

Once again, by April 2013, I had attempted, and did, relocate to this area and jurisdiction in order to be closer to my children, regardless of whether I was “allowed” to see them or not, and, in order to be closer to the jurisdiction overseeing our family court matters.  I researched and monitored my own case and was active in all proceedings and felt this move was prudent in order to relieve the 200 mile trip (one-way) burden that had been imposed upon me since my children were taken from our home and hometown and placed in their father’s care and custody some year and a half prior.  This continued to be extremely difficult for me as I had no support system or network in the area.  At times, my day-hours visitation with my young daughter, every other weekend, were held in local parks, McDonalds, anywhere we could manage to visit … inclement weather made this very hard but we always managed and my daughter and I looked forward so much to those few hours every other week.  By April 2013 I lived from one friend’s home to another, rotating in order to not become a burden upon any one family, while helping my elderly parents with their health and housing issues that had been, and continued to be, extreme and critical.  By April 2013 I was thankful to have secured part-time employment at the Law Firm of a local attorney who remembered me from years prior.  It was a start up and back into the field and area of my experience and expertise, title abstracting, and though it was not enough income to be independent and self-sustaining, it was a major turning point for me in that it redeemed me in my own eyes, and, in essence, redeemed the community around that had there-to-fore appeared to ignore my and my children’s plight.  This somehow, perhaps inexplicably, came to me as some form of redemption of mankind itself that I sorely needed and was a great boost to my self-esteem and self-confidence, calming me so that I could re-group, prepare, and try to plan once again for the future.  The trauma, grief, loss, and horror were still very real but by this time I felt as if I had been given a much needed breath of fresh air which fortified me, strengthening me to once again try to seek the truth, find others who had endured similarly, and, to begin to find and use my own voice again, for my children, for me.

Court Proceedings:  April 2013 – My attorney was given an hour “oral” argument in which to plead his case once more re: the removal of the guardian ad litem, which was promptly denied by the Court, again.  Sanctions were also imposed against my attorney, and, contempt fees against me.  I faced the very real and imminent threat and danger of being incarcerated for the matter of the guardian ad litem’s unpaid fees.  A hearing for this matter to address my incarceration was to be scheduled and noticed in the next few weeks.

 

 

5 Differences Between a TRUE VICTIM & FALSE VICTIM of Narcissistic Abuse

Compelling! … I have no doubt there are many other out there who read this and see their exact selves in every point made. Thank you! This is validation (which a true victim constantly feels they need, regardless. Well said.

After Narcissistic Abuse

true vs false victim

It’s NOT EASY using the V word.

Personally, I don’t LIKE it. It’s not a word I’ve used to describe myself through very many situations in my life, because I am the kind of person who takes responsibility for things that happen to me. While, I certainly had choices and consequences (thus responsibility) in my relationship with a narcissist as an adult – it is the only experience I think the V label accurately describes and depicts.

I was caught unaware. I was told things that weren’t true. By relying on those things, I made decisions that put me in harms way. I was sold a bill of goods and promises by a person who was well aware that they had no intention of ever delivering on those promises nor being capable of being a GOOD PERSON towards me, so that he could use me for things that benefited ONLY…

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Common Responses After Losing a Child (for Protective Moms)

ty so much for this post.. in all my searching this is one topic that I’ve never come across and it’s necessary to share. All that a protective mother has to endure and cope with, in addition to the suffering she endures in whatever visitation agreement has been imposed upon her just to see her children. The shock of it all is excruciating and the worst part of it is that in most cases it is only the beginning … most mothers are forced to battle for years to have any place back in their own children’s lives.

Protective Mothers' Alliance International

A list of common responses/reactions after losing a child in a family court proceeding

I feel it is important to distinguish the loss and being related to family court proceedings because often times the process involves factors that re-traumatize the family and prolong any possibility of stabilizing the family. In essence, there is a distinct type of grief that follows losing a child due to unjust proceedings that villify a parent trying to protect their children.

Mothers who loose their children in family court proceedings often experience (and report):

* Character assination and/or emotional abuse of the mother (who may be labelled as having “Parental Alienation Syndrome” or “Malicious Mom Syndrome”)

* Minimizing past abuse and its affects/Minimizing the current danger

* Legal proceedings that deny a mother of her legal rights

* Feeling threatened or coerced by court personnel

*Expensive legal or court costs, often resulting in severe…

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Wouldn’t Know Your Own Child If You Saw Them On The Street? (In Memory of My Son)

Wouldn’t Know Your Own Child If You Saw Them On The Street? (In Memory of My Son)

If writing of this helps another loving mother from marking a day in her own diary of life as the day in which she could not, and likely will continue not to be able to recognize her own child in a photo, then, somehow, it may all be worth some of the pain that went into sharing this, our loss”

03-08-14:  Yesterday someone dear to me text me a photo of what I thought to be a picture of this person’s son and his prom date. I took a moment to admire the photo, and sent reply text, remarking on what a sweet, handsome couple these two young people were.  After a brief pause, I received what I am sure was a difficult reply … that the handsome young man in the photo was my own son, Philip. Philip will be 16 years old next month. He was taken from me, from home, June 4, 2010, when he was 12 years old, against custody, and never returned. Philip and I have had no significant contact since, no assistance by family court professionals, despite the fact that we had a guardian ad litem and psychologist appointed by the courts to see to my children’s “best interest”.

I have only recently begun to speak up, publicly, to get any attention to our cause, and our case. I have, in fact, spent most of my time, energy, and resources battling to avoid going to jail for unpaid fees for the “unprofessional” professionals in charge of seeing to the best interest of my children, instead of fighting for my children, which has been extremely dispiriting but necessary and very critical.

I am sad, and ashamed, that I couldn’t do more for my children when they needed me the most and it has been, IS, extremely dispiriting but necessary and critical … you have to remain alive, and out of prison, of course, before you can fight to help your children.

All the most critical matters, addressing rights of parents, rights of children, reform, and oversight, laws, ethics, etc. all took backseat to issues of fees, and, sadly, as in other cases, children “age out” before any wrongs are ever identified, addressed, much less righted. And, so many community leaders, and others “in charge” are simply uncomfortable getting involved.  From all I have learned, these are the primary reasons for which these issues, this silent epidemic, has been allowed to continue for so very long.

Yesterday, the realization of accepting that I was not even able to recognize my own child in a photo washed over me in a slow and steady crush.

Writing has been my lifelong habit, mostly a joy, and has surely been some positive exercise for me during times when I could not speak of the unspeakable, explain the inexplicable. During these past months I have written, and, slowly, I try to hone this habit. I confess that I recognize my writings can be too much, too overwhelming, to the reader, the listener.  I try always to remain mindful of this fact and I recognize that I often fail. The things of which I write and speak eek of a pain and suffering on such levels that wears on the spirit of the reader, the listener, and my words, our story, has not yet had victories, redemption, which we all need to have in order to be inspired.

I share these things with the hope that all we have experienced, all the time and effort I have put into research, all that we have sacrificed and lost may not be in vain. I am learning to try to accept that going back is impossible (very hard, for a mother, for any loving parent) – that I will not wake up to be back in our happy home in Ocean Springs, with my busy, active, sweet, spiritual, loving 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter, with ever-revolving doors of friends, laughter, music, clutter, activities, dinner-time, and chatter … all the joyful noise, and chaos that makes up a busy, loving home. All I know to do at this point is recognize that we did indeed have this, it was no dream, and, nightmares have to end, one way or another.

I ask you to pray for my children, and for me. If writing of this helps another loving mother from marking a day in her own diary of life as being the day in which she could not, and likely will continue not to be unable to recognize her own child in a photo, then, somehow, it may all be worth some of the pain that went into sharing this, our loss.

Bobbie

Still A Mother In Mississippi

SOUND-OFF 08-12-13:

SOUND-OFF TO FRIENDS, FAMILY, NEIGHBORS, AND COLLEAGUES

08-12-13:

Last month’s FOIA Public Request submitted to Rankin County was fruitful in that our court-appointed guardian ad litem, the one that has ignored my crying children, for 22 months, the one took them from me in a matter of minutes, nearly 2 years ago and promptly made me invisible, the same one that has ignored my ex-husband’s failed, court-ordered drug tests and has also failed to report said tests to the judge, even if we all are not sure his knowledge of said failed drug tests would even matter, and, finally, yes, the same gal who has finally gotten a date set in which to finally have me jailed in Rankin County for the matter of her fees, (and, yes, let me reiterate that this is the same guardian ad litem learned a few weeks ago that I was researching every single case of hers in Rankin County in which she was appointed guardian ad litem … ya’ll, she has an inordinately high percentage of appointments in just that one county alone.  I have read over alot of her cases … this woman has actually jailed ALOT of parents, for fees?!! And, as in our case, the kids and their interests are put off, indefinitely, until the matter of fees is resolved, OR, until the parent that is being threatened just… DISAPPEARS? One mother spent NEARLY A YEAR IN RANKIN COUNTY JAIL FOR FEES … I’m regrouping, re-organizing, and starting a bullet list of each case so more on that later.  We all know that this guardian ad litem took away the kids, devastating them, and me!  We all have asked ourselves how I, the soccer mom, who had custody of those kids their entire lives, who does not have a criminal record, no addictions, no mental problems, no promiscuity, and I, who have been forced back in court every year since my ex filed in July 2005, spending well over $40,000, at last count,  could possibly lose custody of those sweet children?  And then be erased and forced into invisibility as well?  WE ALSO ALL KNOW THAT MY EX-HUSBAND HAD AND CONTINUES TO HAVE PROBLEMS IN ALL OF THE AREAS LISTED ABOVE…. how do these things happen?   This guardian ad litem has never helped either of my children, never did any investigation into the false sexual abuse charges my ex-husband filed against the youth minister at a local church back in the summer of 2010.  I never dreamed that things like this were purposely done to wreak the havoc that they do, and DID?  I mean, how many of us have ever heard of such a thing?  Then, having a guardian ad litem appointed seemed ok, and normal, right?  I certainly was fine with having a “lawyer to represent the children”… that’s what they are supposed to do.  I certainly didn’t agree to pay her fees but I’m sure facing jail for them.  This woman never came home to Ocean Springs to meet with me and the kids, NOR DID SHE TALK OR MEET WITH ANY OF YOU GUYS?!!!, as so many of you have questioned me about.

At any rate, this gal HAS been paid OUT OF COUNTY FUNDS? on a case, and for indigent case purposes, for which Rankin County has denied even giving me an opportunity to protest her fees, for WHICH I NEVER AGREED TO IN 2010… I am experienced in family court, we all know.  We have had a wonderful guardian ad litem in the past, 2007, who did a thorough and proper investigation?!

I wanted everyone to know since this search turned up important, and relevant information that should expose our living hell of a nightmare, get some much-needed help for the kids, and, perhaps just keep me, THE PTA/SOCCER mom you all know and love OUT OF JAIL?! (YES, I am getting more and more used to saying and typing that line … it does not hold so much fear over me anymore), because of my amateur investigating has thus far been so productive, I have submitted yet another request of 14 business names, corporations/nonprofits that I have uncovered that are directly linked to the opposing attorney, guardian ad litem, court-appointed psychologist who has been invisible since being court-appointed in February 2012, AND, maybe even an incorporation directly tied to other professionals involved in our case.

Many thanks to everyone who has walked with me through this valley.  Thank you for letting me sound off, and thank you for listening to me cry.  The kids were taken from every one of you as well, and some of you have children they, we, were so close to.  My kids have not been allowed to leave the Hinds/Rankin/Madison county areas since November 2011… 😦  I am only allowed, on paper, to see them a total of 24 “day only” hours a month and have to drive 200 miles to and from to do so.  I’m so sorry that I cannot do or explain more to your sweet children.  I know they have so many questions and none of us have any good answers to give them.

Rankin chancery court, for some inexplicable reason, gave me a couple of extra weeks until my incarceration hearing  … it’s been continued to 09-13-13, incarceration for guardian ad litem fees.  Help me pass this along, forward, and forward to anyone, everyone you know.  I am seeking pro bono representation, now, so please keep in mind if you hear of any leads regarding that, in order to avoid actual jail (for an indefinite period of time?!), AND, most important, to put the emphasis back on the best interest of my children who are deteriorating more every day, I am doing the only thing left to do at this point …. trying to follow all leads into what I believe is at the heart of my particular case and that is corruption … I hate that term, I hated it from the first time I heard it applied in our case, but after all that has been uncovered, discovered, presented, and, ignored, there is no other possible explanation.  I don’t know why the fact that mere money changing hands feels more sickening to me.  I’ve learned so much.  There are so many variables and factors in every single case that I see now it is now wonder parents have not been able to unite.  Sometimes it is simply prejudice, sometimes incompetence, sometimes “God-like” complexes on the part of experts, …. on and on and ON …. and sometimes, it is, quite simply, ALL ABOUT THE MONEY. My ex-husband’s attorney, has represented Governor’s of Mississippi in their divorces (or, SPOUSES of Governor’s), and, I’ve recently learned, he is also very close and has previously worked with another Jackson Attorney who was paid $10,000 by my ex-husband and his family, in 1990, after my ex was arrested and charged with possession with intent (of several different illegal drugs) during a sting operation by the DEA launched in 1989.  All of my ex’s friends, and others that he knew of were arrested served time and have records … $10,000 paid to the family attorney kept “my ex” from serving any time and also kept his record hidden away until I was finally able to have this fact put on the record during one of our many family court hearings in 2011 (which, remember, the guardian ad litem, quickly ignored and forgot completely).  If $10,000 to the right hands in 1990 would do that I am willing to consider what, say, $50,000 OR MORE, in 2010, would do to me and my children.  Something horrible went wrong … there has been no other explicable explanation other than “money”.

Our state has a large volume of “innocent” parents that must use State time and resources due to court-imposed restricted/supervised visitations which has been catching quite alot of attention lately as well.  We all thought I dodged a bullet avoiding the “supervised” visitation, but, the restricted visitation has lingered on.  Now, since learning of the attention, and the supervision that is provided (or usually provided) to the parent’s who have received this terrible sentence, I see I would have been much better off having my child be “visible”, and our family’s suffering would have been witnessed and documented by State authorities supervising.  At least you have more than a 50/50 shot of getting a State employee with a heart, and, with the courage and moral fiber to actually investigate and report children, family member’s, etc.  If appointed a private, rogue guardian ad litem, as my children were, who by all intents and purposes holds the power of “God” in which to trump dhs, juvenile court, etc. you run the risk of being invisible before you even know it … we certainly did.

Anyway, I wanted you to have this information.  It may prove useful to you or someone you know.  By all means use it if you can.  Let me know if it helps.  I’m happy to talk to anyone who wants to know more 🙂

Bobbie